My Body. My Orgasm.

Each Bodysex Circle starts with a ritual where every woman openly answers the questions, "how do you feel about your body?" and "how do you feel about your orgasm?"

Before stepping into the Bodysex sisterhood, I never consciously thought about how I feel about my body or my orgasm. I’ve noticed how my responses change every time I sit in a circle. These simple yet powerful questions invite me to be honest and introspective with myself. I believe that being aware of my erotic truth and sharing it, without shame, is necessary healing work as I strive to be a sexually liberated woman.

So without further ado, my current reflections on…

How do you feel about your orgasm? Finally, at 42, I consistently have juicy and satisfying orgasms because I understand how my vulva functions. I have at least one orgasm (sometimes more) EACH AND EVERY TIME during sex – alone or with a partner. My orgasms are in abundance. Sometimes my orgasms are intense and full bodied, other times long and subtle, but either way I NEVER question if I’m gonna have one.

But it wasn’t always this way.

Rewind the clock and there were YEARS I hardly ever had one orgasm, let alone multiple. When I did have an orgasm, I felt like it randomly fell outta the sky.

Back then I was disconnected from my body and my orgasm. I had no idea how to relax my body, pleasure myself, or ask for what I wanted sexually. So this led to me doing what most women do: laying back on the pillow and hoping that my lover would figure out how to give me an orgasm. SPOILER ALERT: lovers rarely prioritized my orgasm…but he always got his though (umm, side eye).

I’ve come a long way since then thanks largely to the knowledge I gained from Bodysex. These days, with partner sex, I confidently RUN THE FUCK by:

1. Prioritizing my erotic pleasure. It’s my right to have an orgasm. I don’t fake orgasms and keep going until I’m satisfied.

2. Stating my pleasure. I share how my body works and what turns me on (yes spanking; no thanks to biting my nipples). Also, I tell my partner what’s on the sexual menu: oral, anal, massage, etc and how I wanna play sexually, which sets both of us up for bliss and joy.

3. Bringing what I need to enjoy the experience. I take responsibility for having or buying items like toys, lube, towels, wedge pillow, or whatever else ready to support and enhance sexual experience.

Now, question two - how do you feel about your body? I experienced The BEST ORGASMS (yes, plural) OF MY LIFE at my largest size. I allowed my body to melt into those orgasms. (Side note: funny thing is I’ve noticed my orgasms feel good at any size. My biggest challenge, at a larger size, is getting into certain positions and remaining comfortable.) Kudos to me for receiving those orgasms but, honestly, I have mixed emotions about my body. After a couple of those blissful orgasms, I looked in the mirror and felt ashamed of my round goddess belly.

On one hand, I’m thankful my body delivers orgasms despite me being so harsh towards myself. Also, even though I tend to be hard on myself, I have a loving relationship, and it's not uncommon for men to approach me or show interest (not that my value is based on the male gaze - just offering perspective). This contrast between my experiences in real life and the messages from American media about my body's lack of desirability feels perplexing to reconcile.

So I’ve started to accept the truth of my life. Two realities coexist: I have insecurities about my body, yet I explore my own body AND my body is embraced, loved, and desired by others.

Right now I’m becoming more conscious of how I speak about my body. I used to say Buddha belly but Laura shared a new, more loving term – goddess belly. This slight language shift has also opened the door for a little more self-love and body positivity. A practical way to come home to and accept the skin I’m in.

With my self-pleasure practice, I’m learning to simply BE WITH my body. I let my boobs flop and let my belly go. I also practice touching and loving the parts of my body that I dislike and reject, which brings tears to my eyes. As I’m holding that body part, I send it love. Afterwards I’m struck by how I’ve been conditioned to hate on my body, to judge every perceived flaw; but, unfortunately, feeling this way is normalized as part of being a woman.

During Bodysex workshops I practice being naked, amongst others, without shame. I stop hiding my belly. I stop feeling unworthy. Being naked in the circle is a healing salve that gives me permission to be who I am, physically, in the moment. I stop shrinking. Insert more acceptance, compassion, and love towards myself.